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Friday, May 07, 2004

The Terrifying Tale of the Missing Beeps

I have to admit to a certain scepticism when my source informed me of the mysterious disappearance of the middle two beeps before the ten o'clock news. I challenged her certainty that it had been the middle two beeps specifically which were absent, suggesting that it was equally likely to have been, for instance, 1 and 3, say, which were missing.

However i was quickly reminded of her inherent superiority, on an intellectual plane, to not only myself but the majority of the thinking world. She patiently explained that there had been 2 beeps, then a gap, then the final 2.

My Nancy Drew-like sleuthing powers kicked in and i surmised that we were almost certainly dealing with a kidnapping. The most obvious suspects were, of course, the notorious Tory Rebel terrorist cell.

This was certainly a typical, though more hard-hitting than we are accustomed to from them, attempt to throw those liberal lefty radio 4 listeners right off course. The missing beeps, in combination with the recently broken quarter chimes on big ben, was clearly a tactic intended to scare the wishy washy world into submission.

And it was working.

I witnessed a grown man squaring his jaw as he had his long liberal locks shorn, a social worker leaving work early to go to the British Legion, and a well-known lefty campaigner joining... the Labour Party.

With such devastation around us within moments of the affront of the missing beeps, the Tory Rebel terrorist campaign was proving to be not only severe and heartless, but also effective. If we didn't find the beeps and restore them to their rightful slot before the 11 o'clock news all hell would, without a doubt, break loose.