Browse other personalized gifts from Zazzle.

Thursday, November 10, 2005

DAD.

Last Christmas, my Dad was diagnosed with lymphoma. He died on Monday. I am absolutely devastated and full of a myriad of emotions, thoughts, feelings.

The doctors stopped trying to cure his cancer a few weeks ago, but he died a lot quicker than anyone had anticipated. I feel very cheated, I want to have toddler tantrums and stamp my feet shouting, 'It's Not FAIR!'.

I am a mixture of a mad-crying-person, and also a whole load of disbelief that this could have happened at all, never mind happened now. I still can't quite believe it, though there is a constant sensation of knowing that there is something awful, even when I can't believe that it's true.

Z is being incredibly supportive, through her own grief as well. I am spending time alone, time with her, and time with others. I find I am doing different processing of his death during these different contexts. For example I cry more when I'm on my own, I remember more when I'm talking with Z, I'm exploring the feelings and associations more when I'm with my mental health worker. There is much, much more to it all, but I think the different types of contact, and the alone-ness, are all really important and different.

I can't believe he's gone. That I'll never see him again. I just cannot believe it. I miss him already so, so much.

Rest in peace, Dad.

15 comments:

McBeth said...

Oh my goodness! Wha?!

I'm so sorry - just reading this had an 'knocking the air right out of me' effect ... I cannot begin to imagine what this must be feeling like for you.

Please try to let Z keep loving you even during your saddest most prickly moments. Probably not for a while, but they will pass eventually.

Thinking about you, girlie. xox

incurable hippie said...

Thanks McB

Lucy said...

(((((((((((((((((((((HUGE HUGS))))))))))))))))))

sweetie, i am so so sorry that this has happened, and i giuess there are no words that i can say that will make it any better at all, but i wanted you to know that i am here for you babe.

love you loads
Lucy

The Goldfish said...

Not much I can say of use but my thoughts are with you. Take care.

neil h said...

Oh, hippie - I'm so sorry to hear that. There's nothing I can say that will ease your pain at this time, but it will fade in time. ~hugs~

slowdown said...

Also thinking of you, hippie x

Anno said...

So sorry for your loss.

Caroline said...

Pippa, I'm glad you have support around you in physical reality, you have it too here in the virtual space.

Love and a big virtual hugs.

TP said...

I am so sorry for your loss.
How awful. Take care.

x

chunky_munky said...

My sister was diagnosed with Non-Hodgkins Lymphoma on Christmas 1995 at the age of 18. Only by some great grace of luck and years spent with my fingers permanently crossed is she still around today. It has been 10 years and I still can't bring myself to uncross them.

It is never bloody fair. I offer my greatest virtual sympathy and one of those hug things which, although it may not ease any emotion you feel at the moment, will remind you that you've got a vast network of friends, family and complete bloody strangers who really do give a fuck.

saesnes said...

My dad died 10 years ago, it's a terrible thing to cope with. Love & sympathy from a 'complete bloody stranger'xxx

Joy said...

Again, I'm very sorry. Don't know what else to say except to send you all my love and thoughts and prayers. Joy.

Ben said...

I'm so sorry. All my love.

Sunny said...

Really sorry to hear that Incurable :(
Hope you're well and hopefully you'll feel better in days to come... my condolensces to you....

Taarna said...

I'm so sorry, Pippa. I don't know what else to say. I think all the words have been used. I'm glad that you have Z with you and that you have a support system. I'll be praying for you.