DAD.

Last Christmas, my Dad was diagnosed with lymphoma. He died on Monday. I am absolutely devastated and full of a myriad of emotions, thoughts, feelings.

The doctors stopped trying to cure his cancer a few weeks ago, but he died a lot quicker than anyone had anticipated. I feel very cheated, I want to have toddler tantrums and stamp my feet shouting, 'It's Not FAIR!'.

I am a mixture of a mad-crying-person, and also a whole load of disbelief that this could have happened at all, never mind happened now. I still can't quite believe it, though there is a constant sensation of knowing that there is something awful, even when I can't believe that it's true.

Z is being incredibly supportive, through her own grief as well. I am spending time alone, time with her, and time with others. I find I am doing different processing of his death during these different contexts. For example I cry more when I'm on my own, I remember more when I'm talking with Z, I'm exploring the feelings and associations more when I'm with my mental health worker. There is much, much more to it all, but I think the different types of contact, and the alone-ness, are all really important and different.

I can't believe he's gone. That I'll never see him again. I just cannot believe it. I miss him already so, so much.

Rest in peace, Dad.