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Monday, October 16, 2006

I'm not ok.

The horrible realisation that in only 3 weeks time, it will be the first anniversary of my Dad's death.

It's a real, physical pain in my chest and it hurts like nothing else.

I read last night in a novel that the only things humans need to survive are water and hope. I think when the doctors told Dad that they couldn't make him better, his hope evaporated and that was that. I think that's why it was so much quicker than anyone had thought.

I miss him always. I'm doing a photography course, using his camera. It makes me feel closer to him, but it adds to the pain when each and every week there are more things that I need to tell him. Snippets of info and tips and facts. Same with my OU short course. There's so much in there that he'd love to know. And that I can't ever tell him.

I don't know how many times a day I scream inside my head, 'I want him back'. And I do. I cry so often, nearly always alone, and missing him seems to get bigger the longer it is since I saw him.

I still don't know how to cope with this. I can't believe it's so close to a year on. And that this is it, forever.

It really hurts.

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7 comments:

neil h said...

Anniversaries are difficult times - the grief seems to come into sharp focus, but it does fade again. You can't avoid it, but you don't have to be scared of it either. You need to find ways to remember your dad and celebrate his life, like the photographer course that you are doing. Don't be afraid to cry and get angry even if it feels like you are going back to the first stage of grief again.

~hugs~

durruti said...

To live in hearts is never to die. Some of the most meaningful words I ever heard.

I'm sure your dad cherished the fact that he had the chance to love you for every moment of your life, and that he carried his pride in you with him every step of the way.

It sounds like your dad lived a full life and left a beautiful footprint ;)

Teri said...

Hippie, I wish I knew what to say cause then I would have someone say it to me! My dad died in July and Oct 13th was his birthday. I had a tough couple of weeks there and I fear for the holidays. You say all the things about your Dad that I feel about mine. I was told that I "earned" the pain because I loved him and he loved me so much. I guess we were two lucky ladies to have such a great love in our lives. Big cyber hugs to you sweetie! Hang in there, you are not alone.

Teri (atcards.com)

incurable hippie said...

Thanks to Neil, Durruti and Teri, I really appreciate your thoughts and kindness.

It's a hell of a time at the moment but I think I know that this level of intensity doesn't last. It does come back, but it's not constantly this bad.

Thanks again for your caring.
pippa x

Sage said...

Thinking of you. My mom died over ten years ago, and there's still an gaping hole in me that she took with her. Keep on breathing.

belledame222 said...

Hi, found you surfing; this leapt out at me. I am so sorry for your loss and your pain. peace and strength to you.

Anonymous said...

My dad died in March, in my house, where i found him. i dont know what to say, but i got help (i think where i went would be the oppisite direction, hurting others) and now im, if not better, at least non-violent. Its really hard, and its comforting to know that others have dealt with it. The only thing now is that im only 17 so we might not be able to keep the house. Just put one foot in front of the other...