Monday, October 16, 2006

I'm not ok.

The horrible realisation that in only 3 weeks time, it will be the first anniversary of my Dad's death.

It's a real, physical pain in my chest and it hurts like nothing else.

I read last night in a novel that the only things humans need to survive are water and hope. I think when the doctors told Dad that they couldn't make him better, his hope evaporated and that was that. I think that's why it was so much quicker than anyone had thought.

I miss him always. I'm doing a photography course, using his camera. It makes me feel closer to him, but it adds to the pain when each and every week there are more things that I need to tell him. Snippets of info and tips and facts. Same with my OU short course. There's so much in there that he'd love to know. And that I can't ever tell him.

I don't know how many times a day I scream inside my head, 'I want him back'. And I do. I cry so often, nearly always alone, and missing him seems to get bigger the longer it is since I saw him.

I still don't know how to cope with this. I can't believe it's so close to a year on. And that this is it, forever.

It really hurts.

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Friday, October 13, 2006

To the Woman in the Opticians

who made me feel shit.

You might have been feeling all superior in your pretty, spot-free thinness, but that is no reason to make me feel utterly dreadful about how I was looking.

Your job is to sell glasses, and yet you decided instead to tell me how little each of the pairs I tried suited me, resulting in me not only not buying any, but also in me feeling unpresentable to the point of wanting to run and hide.

It wasn't your fault that the day I had a load of new spots coincided with my opticians appointment where I would have to look closely in a mirror a lot, to try on new frames. But it was your fault that your whole attitude and reaction to everything I tried on - even the ones I told you I liked! - made me feel horrible.

Please don't do that again. To anyone.

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Thursday, October 12, 2006

Alas, a Bastard.

So alas, a blog (I won't do him the dignity of providing a link), a supposedly pro-feminist male, has sold out to pornographers. Great.

See Fuckery and Betrayal, Alas, a sell-out, The Revolution will be Commodified, No, really, I'm a feminist, Alas, an eruption, alas, a blog, sold out to pimp my ride and many, many, many more.

You probably don't want to see what he has done, but if you do an example is here. Needless to say, he has been 'de-linked' from my right sidebar. I don't want to be partial to funding any of this shit by links from hippie blog.

What is it they call men who profit from women's sexual exploitation? Oh yeah, a pimp.

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Wednesday, October 11, 2006

Photo Friday: Thin.

Thin rays of light beamed through the narrow slats of shutters.

Photo Friday: Thin

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Saturday, October 07, 2006

Quiet Just Now...

My Quiet Just Now list in my blog roll to the right was getting ridiculously long. It's where I list blogs I have once read and loved, but which closed or stopped or faded or disappeared or flitted.

The list will now live in this post. For the foreseeable future, links may be added again to the right side bar, to be merged into one post again later should that become necessary.

But the list, up to now, is:

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    Happy 60th Birthday

    Woman's Hour. Here's to 60 more (and a bit more politics please)...

    Woman's Hour is great. There are the odd, predictable, whining complaints along the line of 'Why can't we have a Man's Hour?'. Well, the other 23 hours of the day are Man's Hour, ok? Deal with it!

    Anyway, a good proportion of Woman's Hour listeners are reportedly men, so maybe there is some hope.

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    Tuesday, October 03, 2006

    Photo Friday: Anger

    Photo Friday: Anger

    Originally uploaded by incurable_hippie.

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    Lunatic Enters Number 10.

    That was the headline I saw when I rushed by a newsagents today. It was something along those lines and was on, I think, The Sun (junk).

    My genuine first thought was 'He's been there for years'.

    My genuine second thought was 'Has there been an election?'

    It was only after considering the above that I realised they were talking about a guy that nearly broke in with a knife, or something.

    I think I was right with the first thought actually. (And that's not even going into the appalling language which only feeds fear and prejudice against people with mental illness...)

    Good photography-type news is that Schmap have used four of my photos for their Sheffield guide. Quite odd selections, but I'm not complaining!

    I got a £50 cheque from yougov today. Marvellous!! They do surveys - some market research, a lot political - and it's taken a while to get to the £50 (which is when they'll send the cheque), but blimey was it nice to receive! The main reason I do their surveys, though, is that periodically the results of a survey you take part in get onto the news or the topical comedy programmes, and you can only exclaim "I DID THAT ONE!" and be joyous! (Small things may amuse small minds, but that's fine by me). So yey, £50, that will help pay my rent. Fantastic!

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    Monday, October 02, 2006

    Pierrot Passed Away. Bless.

    Pierrot hamster left us for hamster heaven on Saturday. He was quite an astonishing little blokey, not least for living until a couple of months before his 4th birthday (hamsters generally live until about 2 years old). He was a very gorgeous and cute thing, and sadly he had become quite ill and deformed in his last days. He had a great life and my house is trying to get used to just having the one hamster in it.

    Here he was in his glory days:

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